The following movies reviewed have not been seen by me, nor will they, due to lack of interest. This does not however tarnish the validity of these reviews. The have recently come out on DVD, but I won't be renting them.

Love Actually

This film is being touted as an "EPIC LOVE STORY." Ohhh, that sounds grand. That means that not one, not two-- but three or four girls will find the guy of their dreams, have a great first date, then a wacky unfortunate event will make it all crumble! Perhaps he is secretly her business nemesis, maybe he is a womanizing playboy or possibly he is Republican or something. Wait! This is an EPIC, so it's all three! Hugh Grant is in it too, so you know he gave herpes to somebody on the set. EPIC HERPES! Having no idea what happens in this movie but feeling confident I've figured it out, I give a "C-"

Looney Tunes Back in Action

Here's the problem. Kids today weren't raised on the Looney Tunes. And on the off chance that they were, they watched the edited versions that are aired these days which lack all the racism and violence that made them good. McFarlane isn't doing an XTREME BUGS action figure. So kids will have no interest in this film. My generation (the late X early Y) was probably the LAST to be raised on Bugs and his crew. So why is the plot of this film obviously so juvenile? Not to say it should be R-Rated, but the only people who want to see it are adults. And watching the walking dildo known as Brendan Fraiser and Scientology's Vanna White (Jenna Elfman) try to interact with said toons is probably going to make adults uncomfortable. I love Bugs. Leave him back in the 40's where he was cool. Give me Loony Tunes DVDs not this crap. So what if Harry Knowles liked it. He's a fat redhead icko. I give it a "D"

Brother Bear

If there's one thing worse than monkey movies, it's fucking bear movies. Even as a kid I was never entertained. I remember watching all those Gentle Ben episodes. They blend together with Grizzly Adams, but I REMEMBER. Every episode went like this:

Guy says to bear: Ben! Get off the couch!
Ben the bear: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

Remember that movie called THE BEAR? It was like a documentry with a narrative inserted. I only remember the bear humping scene.

Bear: NNRRAAA! NNRAA! NNRRAA!

Or that movie with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins where a bear in the woods shit on them. Wait... I mean it tried to kill them.

Bear in woods about to eat Anthony Hopkins: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

You think Disney would have learned it's lesson with Country Bears. The creepy Chucky Cheesesque howdown show from Disneyland was turned into a rock group, and the young bear had to get the band back together to perform their number one hit: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

I think Brother Bear is about some Republican child-raping city slicker that commits a forest to becoming an oil field and a racist stereotype Indian Shaman turns him into a bear so he can go: NNNRRrrrrraaaaa!

Fuck that noise. I give it an (F) for pissing me off.