The following takes place in an alternate universe where I have press credentials and interviewed Fred Durst about the upcoming release of Limp Bizkit's new album RESULTS MAY VARY.

I have to admit, the first time I heard Limp Bizkit I was suckered in. It was Nookie, it was on the radio. It had a good beat and crunchy guitars. It was the most poppy rap/metal hybrid trying desperately to not be poppy since Korn's latest single from the previous week. I had passed on their debut album, but decided to pick up their sophomore endeavor.

The next week I was over drawn on my checking accout after paying a late fee on a bill. If I hadn't bought the CD I would never have over drawn. I have carried this bitterness with me for 3 years.

Perhaps I could have let it go, but the insipid whining of Fred Durst really helped drive the loss of money home. His lyrical content has been lambasted by those much better than I, so I won't get into that.

Despite the sour taste in my mouth, I was looking forward to meeting with Fred to talk. We got together in the bar at Chateau Marmont, in-town getaway to the stars, on Sunset Blvd. Fred was there in his usual red cap and slack jawed vacant stare. I only hoped I wasn't too late. I hoped to make him look stupid before he had the chance to post some words on their OFFICIAL SITE and do it himself.

After the usual pleasantries, we got into the meat of things...

TankLab: So with Results May Vary you've been writing with your new guitarist, and from what I hear, working with some unique and new influences. Do you think this changes the fact that you're bald?

Fred Durst: You know-- hitting the studio is like-- wait, what?

Tnk: I see. On the last album you invited Method Man and Scott Wieland in for some tracks. How about this time? Did you invite people with some amount of talent in to try and polish your turds a bit?

FD: Aw-- you gotta be a hater huh? All you haterz are jealous.

Tnk: Interesting... I've heard a bit of the first single of the new album and you were singing. I mean-- I don't really want to encourage you in any way-- but if a mic is in front of you, for the love of God RAP don't sing.

FD: Punk. You think you can sing? I'm a mother fuckin' star, bitch.

Tnk: I can't sing. So I don't. Ever.

FD: There's shit inside me man-- and it has to come out. Like my song Break Stuff, I mean-- there some days when the shit just builds up and you have to break shit.

Tnk: Why? Why not just chill and have a beer? Play some video games? Take a bath? Read a book.

FD: I aint got time to read-

Tnk: Oh, that's right. Allow me to greatly paraphrase something you said so I might find it easier to ridicule you, but-- I seem to remember you saying once "I ain't never read no books, and look at me."

FD: Look at me.

Tnk: I am. Bald before 30. VP of interscope records. Homophobe. Millionaire. Author of some of the worst lyrics ever. And you've never read a book.

FD: Books aren't for me. I made my way, my own way. Know what I'm sayin'?

Tnk: I have no idea what you are saying. I'm still in shock that millions of 14 year old boys think of you as a role model. So they're going to grow up thinking it's cool to speak in broken english, be homophobic, not read... and be bald. That's a horrible future Fred.

FD: Still hatin'?

Tnk: Speaking of hating. How do you feel about ihatefreddurst.com ?

FD: That Jen bitch is a perfect exampe of a hater-

Tnk: Yes. Naming her website I HATE FRED DURST sort of steers it in that direction. But she and all her site visitors have documented each and every act of retardation and ignorance you've managed to spout off. The word is spreading. The internet is a powerful tool.

FD: That's just one side, you know what I'm sayin'? You go to my site, read my side of shit, and you can see all the love from the real fans.

Tnk: Your last handfull of entries have been puzzling. First the Britney thing-- where you insisted she was your girlfriend. Then the continued shout outs to women that you've never met. What's next? Going to troll your forum boards for a wife?

FD: I wear my heart on my sleeve. You know what I'm sayin'?

Tnk: I told you, I have no concept of what you are saying.

At this time I should probably stop this. Mainly because it's happening only inside my head and Fred is giving me a migraine. Plus, my girlfriend shut down the machine and jettisoned the rest of the interview. Fred left mad and angry. He tried to hit me, but I used Kung-Fu on him and jacked his gold card. You should have seen it.

I'll end with this thought provoking statement:

I would pay real money to get the chance to punch Fred Durst in the face.