LUCAS STOPS VIEWING OF ORIGINAL VERSION- Associated Press, November 13, 2003

Los Angeles, CA.- While often garnering flack for their self proclaimed exclusivity of film authority, AFI, the American Film Institute spent the week screening thier "History of American Blockbuster Cinema" to critical success.

Program director Gerald Healy chose to begin with the Last Picture Show in Texas, which was the first feature film to create such a pre-hype that movie crowds were lining up hours in advance. This was followed closely by Apocolypse Now and The Deer Hunter which became culturally significant for being the first films to portray the Vietnam War.

The TRUE blockbuster however was birthed with the release of Jaws and a short time later, Star Wars. With their unprecidented ticket sales, these cinematic juggernauts became the inspiration of every studio. Soon, ever summer movie season would birth a bevy of "tent-pole" features that studios hoped would earn enough money to keep their other features in production without a loss of funds.

AFI's trouble began when Lucasfilm and 20th Century Fox were contacted to acquire a print of Star Wars to screen. The film they received, now known as Episode 4: A New Hope, was not the same film released in 1977. This print, was created in 1997 for the theatrical re-release of the Star Wars trilogy, under the "Special Edition" heading; a title that has since been dropped.

It would appear the Lucasfilm no longer wishes to support the original cut of the film, and has gone so far as to pull it from shelves in larger video chains such as Blockbuster and Hollywood Video. When AFI contacted Lucasfilm and described to situation, and their wish to show the original version in its historical setting they were told that the only prints still in existence were color match proofs in the Lucasfilm archives. All others had been destroyed by 20th Century Fox, as per Lucasfilm's request.

"It's an absolute travesty," said Healy. "In the grand scheme of things, it isn't that big of a deal. But that original version is a wonderful example of breakthrough effects work. Nobody did that sort of thing before Lucas. I understand the need to update these effects over time, especially if these films are going to be represented as part of a series with his newer Star Wars film. I understand the need for continuity. But to try and stop us from acknowledging the historical significance of those original effects is a blow to film historians."

AFI screened the "Special Editions" despite boos and hisses from the audience. One attendee stood up during the Q & A afterwards to voice his opinion. "Han shoots first, motherfu¨ker!!!" He was escorted from the auditorium, but kept vigil in the parking lot.

As the screenings ended for the evening, Seamus Finn personally invited the entire audience to return to his home in Glendale to watch his laserdisc of the original, un-altered Star Wars.

With 104 AFI members cramped into his studio apartment, Seamus had just pressed play on his laserdisc, when George Lucas himself crawled through the window, knife clenched in his teeth.

Says one witness: "It was freaking horrifying, man. He crawled in and took Seamus by knife point. He kicked the laserdisc player and kept shouting at us It never happened! It never happened!!I actually soiled myself. Then he drug Seamus out the window."

George Lucas has been seen going home to home ever since, demanding people give them their copies of the unaltered Star Wars Trology. He has killed 47, but thus far the only people that care seem to be members of internet message boards.

explosion....slack jaw...explosion...slack jaw...make out...slack jaw.. end credits (probably to Creed)

With that same GOD driven urge that afflicted the Osmonds, Mr. Austin Wiggin of Fremont, New Hampshire decided to force his 3 ugly and untalented daughters into the 1960's rock music scene.




Betty, Helen, and Dot Wigging may or may not have been actually into playing music, but either way THE SHAGGS were soon born under the watchful eye of dear old Dad.. and it seriously creeps me out.

Instead of trying to express my own thoughts about them, look at what these other brilliant minds had to say:

"The Shaggs. Better than the Beatles- even today."-- Frank Zappa

"They bring my mind to a complete halt."-- Carla Bley

Maybe the best worst rock album ever made."-- The New York Times.

For decades seemingly respectable journalists have done features on the Shaggs. Craziness!

"When I first heard The Shaggs album Philosophy of the World, I wondered how this music could've been recorded and distributed. The music was so hilariously bad. The singers simply could not sing, much less harmonize, and not once on the entire record did the drummer manage to bang a drum on beat. Besides that, The Shaggs sang about things like a lost pets ("Foot Foot"), Halloween, and their parents. I assumed the album was some kind of joke. -- Mike Walsh

"More recently, though, a music fan who claimed to be in "the fetal position, writhing in pain," declared on the Internet that the Shaggs were "hauntingly bad," and added, "I would walk across the desert while eating charcoal briquettes soaked in Tobasco for forty days and forty nights not to ever have to listen to anything Shagg-related ever again." Such a divergence of opinion confuses the mind. Listening to the Shaggs' album "Philosophy of the World" will further confound. The music is winsome but raggedly discordant pop. Something is sort of wrong with the tempo, and the melodies are squashed and bent, nasal, deadpan. Are the Shaggs referencing the heptatonic, angular microtones of Chinese ya-yueh court music and the atonal note clusters of Ornette Coleman, or are they just a bunch of kids playing badly on cheap, out-of-tune guitars?"-- Susan Orlean




Feast yourself on this lovely lyric snippet from "Things I Wonder":

There are many things I wonder
There are many things I don't
It seems as though the things I wonder most
Are the things I never find out

or...

It doesn't matter what you do
it doesn't matter what you say
there will always be one who wants things the opposite way.

Fuck yeah!

My favorite song is without doubt, What Are Parents?

Have a listen HERE.

There was a fourth sister, Rachel, who was not in the band. I always wonder about her. Was she jealous? Is she thankful now? I can imagine her on VH1 Behind the Music: The Shagg's ...

Daddy just didn't love me like he did my sisters. As soon as the Shaggs went double platinum, he told me that I couldn't play with them anymore. So my eyes weren't as sparkly as Dot's; so my hair wasn't as golden as Helen's; so Betty's breasts were larger than mine. I think it was because as soon as I showed up on the set for the video shoot of Things I Wonder the director just gave me a look. A look that said, "Honey, you just don't got it." I was the ugly sister, and Daddy knew it. MTV went on to play that video in heavy rotation, sending my sisters into the history books. Our family died then, the fame went to their heads... not to mention the drugs. They even stopped going to church.

So after years in seclusion and medicated denial, the Wiggin sisters are slowly speaking up on the ordeal that was their career. For years they seemed to shun, well, reality and refuse to talk about their rockin' days. But this new fangled internet has won them a new legion of fans.

According to their Official Site somebody is even making a Shaggs movie.

Could a comeback tour be in cards?

I got into my time machine and scheduled myself an interview...

Me: Did you ever expect the Shaggs to have such a global appeal? They've set record LP sales in almost every country they've been released in. Are you surprised?

Austin Wiggin: *Coughing* Of course not. I knew it would be this way from the start.

(Austin is wearing a powder blue leisure suit, smoking a cigarette, and nursing a gin and tonic. His eyes are beady and he has a hard time holding still.)

Me: Is that why you drove the girls so hard?

Austin Wiggin: The good Lord doesn't just hand you a plate full of food.

Me: Uh-- what?

(At this point Betty enters the room, her eyes bloodshot and hands trembling.)

Betty: Motherfuckers!

Austin Wiggin: Who?

Betty: Cabbage folk. Comin' out the fucking woodwork. Maggots, GOD DAMN IT!!! (At this point Betty pulls off the large embroidered dress she is wearing and climbs under the food table.) Fuckers!!!

Austin Wiggin: Somebody get her some water.

(Helen enters the room next. Her brow is furrowed at the screams of a thousand teenage boys outside that chant her name, sharing the collective fantasy of shooting their wads across her square jaw.)

Helen: Daddy, I really don't feel so well.

Austin Wiggin: Not again... There's nothing wrong with you, Helen.

Betty: (From under table) Fire in the hole!!! GOD DAMN IT! There are many things I fucking wonder--

Helen: But, Daddy-

Betty: There are fucking many things I don't--

Austin Wiggin: How many doctors Helen? How many have you seen?

Betty: Fucking maggots. Seems like the shit I wonder most is the shit I never find out.

Helen: (crying now) A lot.

Betty: That's some spooky shit, man...

Austin Wiggin: And what did they tell you? It's in your head. C'mon let's go... have a talk.

(Austin leads Helen from the room, rubbing her shoulders and leaving me alone with Betty. I peer under the table at her naked form. She is eating from a plate of bean burritos.)

Me: Those any good?

Betty: No.

Me: Okay then.

Dot: (whom I did not notice was sitting behind a gigantic white mountain of cocaine) She hates those, but she won't go on-stage without them. She tore the shit out of a dressing room in Cleveland because they forgot them.

Betty: Fucking Cleveland.

Dot: (wiping the clouds of white powder from her nose) She hates Taco Bell.

Betty: Fucking Taco Bell.

(Austin re-enters the room. He looks much calmer. Helen is drinking a glass of water.)

Austin Wiggin: Let's go! It's time to rock! Betty, get dressed.

Betty: Fucking parents. Who are parents?

Me: What? No more questions?

Austin Wiggin: Sorry, no time.

Dot: (smiling at me) It doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't matter what you say. There will always be one who wants things the opposite way.

The following movies reviewed have not been seen by me, nor will they, due to lack of interest. This does not however tarnish the validity of these reviews. The have recently come out on DVD, but I won't be renting them.

Love Actually

This film is being touted as an "EPIC LOVE STORY." Ohhh, that sounds grand. That means that not one, not two-- but three or four girls will find the guy of their dreams, have a great first date, then a wacky unfortunate event will make it all crumble! Perhaps he is secretly her business nemesis, maybe he is a womanizing playboy or possibly he is Republican or something. Wait! This is an EPIC, so it's all three! Hugh Grant is in it too, so you know he gave herpes to somebody on the set. EPIC HERPES! Having no idea what happens in this movie but feeling confident I've figured it out, I give a "C-"

Looney Tunes Back in Action

Here's the problem. Kids today weren't raised on the Looney Tunes. And on the off chance that they were, they watched the edited versions that are aired these days which lack all the racism and violence that made them good. McFarlane isn't doing an XTREME BUGS action figure. So kids will have no interest in this film. My generation (the late X early Y) was probably the LAST to be raised on Bugs and his crew. So why is the plot of this film obviously so juvenile? Not to say it should be R-Rated, but the only people who want to see it are adults. And watching the walking dildo known as Brendan Fraiser and Scientology's Vanna White (Jenna Elfman) try to interact with said toons is probably going to make adults uncomfortable. I love Bugs. Leave him back in the 40's where he was cool. Give me Loony Tunes DVDs not this crap. So what if Harry Knowles liked it. He's a fat redhead icko. I give it a "D"

Brother Bear

If there's one thing worse than monkey movies, it's fucking bear movies. Even as a kid I was never entertained. I remember watching all those Gentle Ben episodes. They blend together with Grizzly Adams, but I REMEMBER. Every episode went like this:

Guy says to bear: Ben! Get off the couch!
Ben the bear: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

Remember that movie called THE BEAR? It was like a documentry with a narrative inserted. I only remember the bear humping scene.

Bear: NNRRAAA! NNRAA! NNRRAA!

Or that movie with Alec Baldwin and Anthony Hopkins where a bear in the woods shit on them. Wait... I mean it tried to kill them.

Bear in woods about to eat Anthony Hopkins: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

You think Disney would have learned it's lesson with Country Bears. The creepy Chucky Cheesesque howdown show from Disneyland was turned into a rock group, and the young bear had to get the band back together to perform their number one hit: NNNNNRRrrrrrrrraaaaa!

I think Brother Bear is about some Republican child-raping city slicker that commits a forest to becoming an oil field and a racist stereotype Indian Shaman turns him into a bear so he can go: NNNRRrrrrraaaaa!

Fuck that noise. I give it an (F) for pissing me off.

The following takes place in an alternate universe where I have press credentials and interviewed Fred Durst about the upcoming release of Limp Bizkit's new album RESULTS MAY VARY.

I have to admit, the first time I heard Limp Bizkit I was suckered in. It was Nookie, it was on the radio. It had a good beat and crunchy guitars. It was the most poppy rap/metal hybrid trying desperately to not be poppy since Korn's latest single from the previous week. I had passed on their debut album, but decided to pick up their sophomore endeavor.

The next week I was over drawn on my checking accout after paying a late fee on a bill. If I hadn't bought the CD I would never have over drawn. I have carried this bitterness with me for 3 years.

Perhaps I could have let it go, but the insipid whining of Fred Durst really helped drive the loss of money home. His lyrical content has been lambasted by those much better than I, so I won't get into that.

Despite the sour taste in my mouth, I was looking forward to meeting with Fred to talk. We got together in the bar at Chateau Marmont, in-town getaway to the stars, on Sunset Blvd. Fred was there in his usual red cap and slack jawed vacant stare. I only hoped I wasn't too late. I hoped to make him look stupid before he had the chance to post some words on their OFFICIAL SITE and do it himself.

After the usual pleasantries, we got into the meat of things...

TankLab: So with Results May Vary you've been writing with your new guitarist, and from what I hear, working with some unique and new influences. Do you think this changes the fact that you're bald?

Fred Durst: You know-- hitting the studio is like-- wait, what?

Tnk: I see. On the last album you invited Method Man and Scott Wieland in for some tracks. How about this time? Did you invite people with some amount of talent in to try and polish your turds a bit?

FD: Aw-- you gotta be a hater huh? All you haterz are jealous.

Tnk: Interesting... I've heard a bit of the first single of the new album and you were singing. I mean-- I don't really want to encourage you in any way-- but if a mic is in front of you, for the love of God RAP don't sing.

FD: Punk. You think you can sing? I'm a mother fuckin' star, bitch.

Tnk: I can't sing. So I don't. Ever.

FD: There's shit inside me man-- and it has to come out. Like my song Break Stuff, I mean-- there some days when the shit just builds up and you have to break shit.

Tnk: Why? Why not just chill and have a beer? Play some video games? Take a bath? Read a book.

FD: I aint got time to read-

Tnk: Oh, that's right. Allow me to greatly paraphrase something you said so I might find it easier to ridicule you, but-- I seem to remember you saying once "I ain't never read no books, and look at me."

FD: Look at me.

Tnk: I am. Bald before 30. VP of interscope records. Homophobe. Millionaire. Author of some of the worst lyrics ever. And you've never read a book.

FD: Books aren't for me. I made my way, my own way. Know what I'm sayin'?

Tnk: I have no idea what you are saying. I'm still in shock that millions of 14 year old boys think of you as a role model. So they're going to grow up thinking it's cool to speak in broken english, be homophobic, not read... and be bald. That's a horrible future Fred.

FD: Still hatin'?

Tnk: Speaking of hating. How do you feel about ihatefreddurst.com ?

FD: That Jen bitch is a perfect exampe of a hater-

Tnk: Yes. Naming her website I HATE FRED DURST sort of steers it in that direction. But she and all her site visitors have documented each and every act of retardation and ignorance you've managed to spout off. The word is spreading. The internet is a powerful tool.

FD: That's just one side, you know what I'm sayin'? You go to my site, read my side of shit, and you can see all the love from the real fans.

Tnk: Your last handfull of entries have been puzzling. First the Britney thing-- where you insisted she was your girlfriend. Then the continued shout outs to women that you've never met. What's next? Going to troll your forum boards for a wife?

FD: I wear my heart on my sleeve. You know what I'm sayin'?

Tnk: I told you, I have no concept of what you are saying.

At this time I should probably stop this. Mainly because it's happening only inside my head and Fred is giving me a migraine. Plus, my girlfriend shut down the machine and jettisoned the rest of the interview. Fred left mad and angry. He tried to hit me, but I used Kung-Fu on him and jacked his gold card. You should have seen it.

I'll end with this thought provoking statement:

I would pay real money to get the chance to punch Fred Durst in the face.

Sometimes I have fun with AIM chat software. Most of the people involved are from the alternight forum boards. The major players are CRYS (extremediva10), a teenage girl from Canada who is quite pretty, BRANDON (tehtwiggy/DMLreloaded) an 18 year old virgin with extreme boner rage, and DRU (urb4nhunni3) another Canadian teenager that is pure evil. The usual goal is to get Brandon to say something distrubing using the fact that he is obsessed with Crys as bait.

It began when Brandon would not stop talking about Crys. He is convinced she and I have some secret deal where I get to see naked pics of her or something...

tnklb: interesting. i just discovered that crys has a dirty webcam feed.
reloaddml: give me
tnklb: you have to be a member of the yahoo club
reloaddml: dude.
reloaddml: give me the link
reloaddml: to the yahoo feed
reloaddml: crys yahoo feeed
tnklb: so...
tnklb: you ARE the most gullible person in the world then?

I was going to end it here-- but I realized i might be onto some gold.

reloaddml: dude
reloaddml: I thought she had one
reloaddml: it's not unrealistic jeeze.
reloaddml: I use to have one.
reloaddml: Gawd, I hate you.
tnklb: hahaha
reloaddml: ahahahahaa
tnklb: but seriosuly...
tnklb: you want it?

aaaand... he's hooked again

reloaddml: Yes
reloaddml: DUE
reloaddml: DUDEEDE
reloaddml: ADAJKLSDJAS
reloaddml: I HATE YOU
reloaddml: FOR REAL
reloaddml: Ok, give me the link.
tnklb: but the thing is-- on those yahoo feeds she can see who is on
tnklb: she'll know I ratted her out
reloaddml: so
reloaddml: I'm a guest.
reloaddml: DUDE
reloaddml: give me the linkl
tnklb: i'm talking to her...
tnklb: check your email
tnklb: i sent you a still from her cam
reloaddml: dammit
reloaddml: I hate her.
tnklb: check your mail

at this point I sent him an amautuer porn pic, minus the head of course.

reloaddml: I want to hate her ass with a passion
tnklb: why?
reloaddml: HOLY FUCK
reloaddml: HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY HOLY SHIT
reloaddml: ARE YOU FUCKING FOR FUCKING REAL?
reloaddml: DUDE!

I let him sit here for a good 10 mintues

tnklb: what?
tnklb: jesus
reloaddml: OMFG
reloaddml: what the hell?
reloaddml: is that her?
reloaddml: it's her god damn pussy
tnklb: who?
reloaddml: DUDE
reloaddml: Stop acting GAY
reloaddml: You know what I'm talking about
reloaddml: Crys.
tnklb: huh?
reloaddml: Dude
reloaddml: You sent me a damn e-mail
reloaddml: of FUCKING crys pussy
tnklb: simmer down
reloaddml: I'm simmered down
reloaddml: No, I'm not
reloaddml: But still.
reloaddml: Dude.
reloaddml: I'm going to kill you
reloaddml: You're killing me here.
tnklb: why?

Let him him stew for another 15 minutes

reloaddml: I want to talk.
reloaddml: PLEASE>
reloaddml: Answer my questions.
tnklb: I had an idea about this script IÕm writing
reloaddml: Dude, you're a fucking lunatic.
reloaddml: MY MIND IS ON PUSSY, NOT SCRIPTS.
reloaddml: I'm getting super frustrated here.
reloaddml: (Punches Computer Screen)

gross... but entertaining

tnklb: valium
reloaddml: DIE
reloaddml: DIE!
reloaddml: DIE!
reloaddml: DIE!
reloaddml: DIE!
tnklb: (dies)
reloaddml: I really have to go in a couple minutes, so please quit the act.
reloaddml: you're gonna make me cry.
tnklb: i can't confirm or deny anything
reloaddml: I'm going to pull my hair out.
reloaddml: Ok.
reloaddml: I get it.
reloaddml: Code Talk.
reloaddml: Is there any more?
tnklb: no
reloaddml: Is that code talk for "Yes"?
tnklb: green
tnklb: blue 7 7
reloaddml: No frontal pic?
tnklb: YELLOW YELLOW!!!
reloaddml: send!
reloaddml: send!
tnklb: dude
tnklb: frontal?
tnklb: like her crotch is on the backside?
reloaddml: booooooooobs
tnklb: learn anatomy
reloaddml: omg
reloaddml: Anyways.
reloaddml: Was that on the Yahoo feed?
tnklb: what?
reloaddml: the thing.
reloaddml: Was that on the yahoo feed?
reloaddml: or is there even a yahoo feed?
tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
tnklb: reloaddml: Anyways.reloaddml: Was that on the Yahoo feed?tnklb: what?reloaddml: the thing.reloaddml: Was that on the yahoo feed?reloaddml: or is there even a yahoo feed?tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
tnklb: reloaddml: Anyways.reloaddml: Was that on the Yahoo feed?tnklb: what?reloaddml: the thing.reloaddml: Was that on the yahoo feed?reloaddml: or is there even a yahoo feed?tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
tnklb: wtf
tnklb: this thing is all messed up
reloaddml: I have no clue
reloaddml: did you send me somehting?
tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
reloaddml: what are you trying to send?
tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO TRILLIAN ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
reloaddml: ok
reloaddml: I'm on aim
tnklb: SENDER'S RESPONSE COULD NOT BE DECIPHERED DUE TO AIM ERROR 1232. RTC CODE NOT INTACT
reloaddml: ok
reloaddml: I have no clue what that is
tnklb: i'm trying to send you pic of her fingering herself
tnklb: where her face is showing
reloaddml: HOLY
reloaddml: send it through e-mail
tnklb: can't
reloaddml: why/
reloaddml: Dammit
tnklb: has to do with the feed
reloaddml: what?!
reloaddml: oh man
reloaddml: I want to seeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
tnklb: naw
tnklb: she's making an ugly face anyway
reloaddml: DUDE!!!!
reloaddml: DAMMMIT
reloaddml: MOTHER FUCKER!
reloaddml: can't you directly connect with me/
reloaddml: Is she naked right now?
reloaddml: ON the yahoo feed?
tnklb: who?
reloaddml: you know who
tnklb: you need to talk to her
reloaddml: why?
reloaddml: I could never get her to do that.
tnklb: i got her warmed up
tnklb: ask her nicely

Starting to gross myself out in the name of science...

reloaddml: does she know what I saw?
tnklb: no
reloaddml: Ask her what?
tnklb: for the feed
reloaddml: dude, I bet she won't
tnklb: dude...
tnklb: you want the URL?
reloaddml: yes
reloaddml: I want the fingering!!!!!!!!!
tnklb: here it is:

Here I send him a link to yahoo club for teenagers with stuffed animal collections

reloaddml: shut up
reloaddml: dude
reloaddml: so it wasn't her?
tnklb: do you see the title of the group?
reloaddml: yes
reloaddml: shut up
reloaddml: i hate you

This has happened several times. It seems once he ejaculates, his memory is erased and I can start all over. Eventually however, he started to catch on...

Me to Dru-

tnklb: do me a favor
urb4nhunni3: k urb4nhunni3: what is it first
tnklb: add this guy to your list
tnklb: reloaddml
tnklb: that's DML/Mr. Lives
tnklb: go fuck with his head
tnklb: what do you want me to say
tnklb: flirt with him
tnklb: he'll go retarded
tnklb: then just go with it
urb4nhunni3: k

Then Dru talked to DML -

urb4nhunni3: im horny
ReloadDML: omg
ReloadDML: me too

Dru to me-

urb4nhunni3: he scares me in a way
tnklb: Tell him you heard he has a giant cock.

Then dru talked to DML -

urb4n hunni3: i herd you have a big cock
ReloadDML: Who told you?
ReloadDML: Crys.
urb4n hunni3: nope actually
ReloadDML: well
ReloadDML: that's the only person who knwos/
urb4n hunni3: OH REALLY?
ReloadDML: wait

Dru to me
urb4nhunni3: do i have to keep doing this?
tnklb: No.. i'm sorry i exposed you to this

All in all I give myself 4 stars for entertaining myself at work-- but really, that might be more than I deserve. I suppose I really should be doing my job instead of messing with the minds of people a decade younger than me. So in reality, I probably only deserve 2 stars. Then the fact that I post it here, thinking that anyone not knowing the people involved would think it is funny knocks me down to 1 star. Jesus. I'm lame.